Gifts of hope from my patients in the COVID era

I’ve been a nurse for ten years and in that time, I’ve cared for many types of people, with many types of illnesses. Most often, the diagnoses I’ve seen present a definitive and obvious sign of infirmary where a limb, or an organ, can be pointed to as “the problem” needing to be healed.

I now work with Ember Health, where I administer infusions of ketamine to patients seeking relief from depression. Unlike my previous clinical settings, what we treat here is mostly invisible. No obvious blood tests, medical devices, or physical methods can reveal an unease in the mind.

When people come to us, they have often tried everything – multiple antidepressant medications, electric shock therapy, hospitalization – and many have even thought about taking their own lives. They tell us how it takes extraordinary energy just to function throughout the day. Focusing on simple tasks and even connecting with loved ones is deeply fatiguing. From the outside, their bodies appear fine, and the world reacts with a cool disregard to the invisible battle they are fighting inside.

When a person comes to our clinic, I am here to join them in their quest for wellness. I ensure that they receive treatment in a safe, supportive environment. I work with my team and our mental health care provider partners to help them get the relief they deserve.

My patients are used to fighting – it’s a daily reality. Now, the whole globe has entered into a battle with the onslaught of COVID-19. Like depression, the virus is an invisible, yet ever present threat. No one can escape being affected or knowing someone who has been affected by this biological event.

As the news and real-life impacts of the virus reached their peak here in New York City where I live and work, I had expected to hear that my patients’ experiences would be doubly difficult. I had assumed that they would be battling insults on multiple fronts as they had before they came to us; those from their inner worlds and those from the tumultuous outside world. I was ready for the emotional fallout, for tearful and urgent requests for comfort. I was ready to do the work of caregiving and to be there for them in this moment of need.

Instead, I’ve found that the people we treat have been largely able to manage on their own. In many cases, they are not just managing, but doing quite well. They’ve told us how receiving our care has given them the inner strength and perspective to get through this crisis. In my role coordinating care, I regularly monitor feedback forms where our patients share their evolving moods. I’ve been humbled by the themes of their responses to COVID:

Resilience

Uniformly, our patients have reported that while the virus has presented loss and devastation directly or indirectly, they’ve weathered these challenges, and been able to help those around them manage their suffering as well. They’ve found themselves present with the people in their lives, able to engage in healthful behaviors and perspectives.

Gratitude

Patients have been increasingly able to recognize the good in their lives. They choose to focus on what is going well and feel grateful for employment, enduring health, or the love from family and friends. As one patient shared, “Since your treatments, I am feeling great and getting through this stay at home time as well as anyone can expect! I am so grateful.”

Centeredness

Before seeking care with us, discovering even a kernel of stillness proved very difficult for most of our patients. And yet they have expressed a sense of calm. They have spoken about an increased ability to reflect, without getting overwhelmed by the news and interpersonal stressors.

The positive responses from my patients have become a source of healing for me on my own journey. Their words have been welcome gifts, allowing me to share a common fear and a common hope. Seeing how beneficial ketamine therapy has been for them has strengthened my resolve that I am a part of something powerful, and that I am creating a positive impact during some of the most challenging times imaginable.

My patients have taught me that it is possible, with the right tools and team, to live in a time of chaos and be still; to live with the darkness of uncertainty and to be light.

Jamese Lamb, is a New York City based nurse with experience in critical care, neurology, anesthesia, and mental health. She received her Doctorate in Nursing Practice and Masters in Nursing Informatics from Duke University and her undergraduate degree from NYU. She is the infusion nurse and care coordinator at Ember Health in Brooklyn Heights.